Just How Ktown R U? - Humor Column

 http://www.sitnews.us/DaveKiffer/081620_kiffer.html

 

 

Just how Ktown R U?


It seems like every 4.5 seconds one of my Facebook friends posts some sort of 'questionnaire' that is designed to elicit (hmm, I almost typed 'illicit,' Freudian slip?) information that establishes ones 'local lifer' bona fides.

Either that or it is some Nigerian-Ukrainian Superbot that is trolling our lives for the information that can be used to suss out our most secret passwords by gleaning info that only we would know.

If fact, that actually makes more sense because anyone who has lived here more than 15 minutes already knows everyone else's deepest, darkest secrets because that is what Ketchikan is all about.

If you spilled milk on the floor at Log Cabin Grocery in 1968, we know.

If you set fire to the lights in Social Studies class, we know.

If you accidently dated your third cousin in junior high, we know.

Our ability to survive on this claustrophobic rain-rock we call home is predicated on having that information.

It is called MAD or Mutually Assured Dissemination.

If anyone even thinks about threatening anyone else on the rock, they are faced with having all their dirty laundry immediately aired. Of course, you ask, if everyone else already knows, what difference does it make? Ketchikan is all about keeping up appearances. Even if I know that you know that I know that you know something I need to be able to pretend that you don't.

But, as usual, I digress.

Anyway, here is a recent response I came up with in taking one of those life questionaires (ever get a tattoo, ever ski dive, ever go skinny dipping!) and making it a little more K-Town Centric.

 

Sledded down Madison Street – Yes
Crashed into Madison Hardware – Yes
Successfully ran away from the KPD – Yes
Unsuccessfully ran away from the KPD – Yes
Caught a king salmon – Yes
Caught the bottom – Yes
Helped a tourist – Yes
Lied to a tourist – Yes
Bought something at the Beachcomber - yes
Bought something inappropriate at the Beachcomber – yes
Sold something inappropriate to a tourist – Yes
Complained about the rain – Yes
Complained about it not raining – Yes
Complained about the birds singing at 3 am – Yes
Complained about barflies singing at 3 am - Yes
Been a barfly singing at 3 am - Yes
Chased a bear out of the driveway – Yes
Was chased by a bear (anywhere) – Yes

Climbed a tree to evade a bear - Yes

Climbed a tree to evade a parent - Yes
Thought a deer and its fawns were cute - Yes
Cursed a deer and its fawns for eating your flowers - Yes
Drove way out the road just watch some whales go by - Yes
Drove way out the road and missed the whales go by - Yes
Rode a bicycle down Washington Street at top speed – Yes
Regretted riding a bicycle down Washington at top speed - Yes
Watched Kayhi play Juneau in basketball – Yes
Watched Kayhi beat Juneau in basketball - Yes
Watched "Kayhi" lose to Schoenbar in basketball - Yes
Tried to help an eagle that was floundering in the water – Yes
Regretted trying to help an eagle floundering in the water – Yes
Cursed the grader for not plowing your street – Yes
Cursed the grader for plowing the snow into your driveway – Yes
Walked four blocks uphill to the high school in the snow – Yes
Walked four blocks uphill to the high school (both ways) in the snow – Yes

Drove a car backwards through the tunnel - Yes

Drove a car backwards the right direction through the tunnel - Yes

Gunned the engine and roared through the tunnel - Yes

Cursed people "roaring" through the tunnel as you slept nearby - Yes

Swam in the "pond" at Bugge Beach - Yes

Got out of the "pond" at Bugge Beach because some other kid peed - Yes

Climbed Deer Mountain in the rain - Yes

Climbed Deer Mountain in the rain - Yes

Climbed Deer Mountain in the rain - Yes

Played tennis in the rain - Yes

Went to kindergarten next to a bar - Yes

Met Dad at the bar after kindergarten - Yes

Moved away from Ketchikan - Yes

Moved back to Ketchikan - Yes

Moved away again from Ketchikan - Yes

Moved back again to Ketchikan - Yes

Searched for coins in the sawdust at the Frontier Saloon - Yes

Found a condom (unopened) in the sawdust at the Frontier - Yes

Rode a Shetland pony at the Settje "ranch" - Yes

Cleaned up after a Shetland pony at the Settje "ranch" - Yes

Snuck into the Shamrock but was too young to understand what was going on - Yes

Grew up thinking you were related to "everyone" at the Potlatch - Yes

Loved going through the car wash at the pulp mill over and over and over -  Yes

Drove your Dad crazy making him go through the pulp mill car wash over and over and over - Yes


There, that ought to keep the Nigerian-Ukrainian Superbot busy for a while.

Of course, your definitions of "Ketchikanitude" may be different than mine. I never went on a survival trip (life with my father WAS a survival trip) and I didn't go to junior high school in a mall. How lucky for you.


 

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