Still Masking After All These Years - Humor Column

 

Still masking after all these years?
A while back I wondered if I would miss the masks that i have been wearing at work and elsewhere for most of the past couple of years.
The answer is yes.
For one thing, now I have to go back to shaving every morning. That's an extra five minutes out of my day that I won't get back - at least until I retire. Which is just about 500 days away, but who is counting?
When you think about it, shaving every morning is truly pushing your luck.
For example, you're tired.
If - like me - you are NOT bright eyed and bushy tailed at 6 am, shaving can lead to serious problems. Few places bleed as much as the face when punctured.
When I was a kid, I used to occasionally see grown guys wandering around with little bits of toilet paper stuck to their faces. Somehow that was considered less embarrassing than bleeding to death because they tried to get one last swipe out of a dull blade.
There were also these odd little items called "styptic pencils." People used to use those to "stop" facial bleeding after getting a "nick or a cut." They didn't seem to work because you still saw people with the tiny blood-soaked pieces of toilet paper hanging on their jowls.
I never understood why they were called pencils.
You couldn't write with them.
Heck, you couldn't even chew on them.
 And they had no erasers.
 No one ever asked for a "Number 2 Ticonderoga Stypic Pencil."
 Go figure.
But I digress.
So, no more masks means much more shaving. Which is not a good thing. I hate squinting into the shower fogged mirror every morning. I hate having to fiddle around with razor-sharp blades when i am barely awake enough to be upright. I hate having to do something that I probably wouldn't do otherwise, at least not nearly as often.
Recently I was off work for a couple of weeks. I think I shaved twice. The. World. Did. Not. Come. To. An. End.
Anyway, with a mask, it didn't matter if you had a "five o'clock shadow" at 8 am.
Masks also - over the last couple of years - helped me with my driving.
No, I did not wear them over my eyes. Although more than a few times masks got caught on my sunglasses or caterwhompas on my ears and did block my vision just a hair. They also caught caught in my hair as well. I never quite developed the important skills of donning my mask with one hand while steering with the other.
But that's not what I meant by masks being "helpful" with driving.
I have always been a vocal driver. I like to take note of other folks driving habits and I like to comment on them. Fortunately, Ketchikan drivers are such that there are always plenty of driving habits worth commenting on. We don't use turn signals. We never stop at stop signs. Heckfire, we even consider the lanes themselves as "suggestions."
This, of course, we explain away because of the weather or the potholes or even the deer (but not antelope) roaming about. It couldn't be because we are "distracted" drivers, could it?
Once upon a time, a large percentage of Ketchikan drivers were distracted by "demon rum." That number seems to have dropped some, but now we are distracted by eating, putting on makeup or texting. When your eyes are on the cell phone in your lap, they are not on the road. Good thing the yellow line is only a "suggestion," eh wot?
Personally, I am more distracted by the bad habits of other drivers (see above).
And I feel it is my responsibility to comment on said bad habits.
People driving too slow. People driving in a big hurry. People blocking traffic trying to turn left. People leaving their doors open halfway into the driving lane. People not using turn signals. People using their turn signals for several blocks. People stopping to let wanderers cross in the middle of the road. People not stopping to let wanderers cross. And all that is usually within a block or so of my house.
What does this have to do with masks?
Well, for the past couple of years, I have been able to "cuss" out all the other drivers and no one has known because I have been wearing my mask. Ya'll can't lip read with a face diaper on.
I know that some people thought it was odd that I was wearing a mask while driving because I was the only person in the car and - not likely - able to catch COVID from myself.
But I was just exercising my First Amendment Right of Intemperate Speech.
Now, I will have to dial it back a bit. Because you will be able to see my lips move again.
And you may not like what you see.
Which is why masks are a good thing!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

MAHONEY HEIGHTS HISTORY STORY - DN

  By Dave Kiffer For the Daily News A century ago this month, the Ketchikan City Council took its first steps to create Ketchikan's first subdivision. By the early 1920s, Ketchikan had already begun branching out north and south of the Downtown core. But land remained hard to develop along the shoreline. Houses and roads and businesses had to be built on pilings, an expensive and slow process. Local officials began looking at ways to move inland, if possible. Some houses and businesses had already started to move up Ketchikan Creek but it was basically no easier to build there than it was along Tongass Narrows. Joe Mahoney was a prospector who had come to Alaska during the 1897 Gold Rush and ended up in Ketchikan. One of the areas where he had claims was in the upper Ketchikan Creek area. Other miners also staked claims in that area, most notably James Davis who had 37 claims up there, according to Alaska state historian Rolfe Buzzell in a 1993 historic asse...
Read more

Gravina: A Tale of Two Islands

  Gravina : A Tale of Two Islands - History Story Considering that Ketchikan residents spend a lot of time staring a cross Tongass Narrows a t Gravina Island, we don't of ten know much a bout it. Yes, we take the a irport ferry a nd we fly out from the a irport. Maybe we have driven to the end of the "Road to Nowhere" or we have gone deer hunting on High Mountain. Residents of a certain a ge still talk fondly of the community picnics a t Black Sands Beach. But in general, Gravina is a like a prop to Ketchikan. Something to stare a t on a sunny day, but not much else. Of course, there is more to Gravina than that. For example, did you know that Gravina is two different islands ? Well, not now, but it used to be. First of f, there a re three distinct parts to Gravina that a re a ll geologically separate, a ccording to the 1973 federal report "Geology of Gravina Island, A laska." There is the eastern side, which is similar to the geology of R...
Read more

KEtchikan Pilot Found Millionaire's Plane Crash in Boca de Quadra in early 1950s - History Story

 http://www.sitnews.us/Kiffer/HermanLudwigsen/032520_herman_ludwigsen.html    Ketchikan Pilot Found Millionaire's Plane Crash in Boca de Quadra in Early 1950s   Most area residents are familiar with the plane crash of legendary pilot Harold Gillam in Boca de Quadra back in 1943. But almost exactly a decade later there was another crash in Boca de Quadra, barely a mile away from where Gillam's plane when down. This one involved Ellis Hall , the multimillionaire owner of Texas-based Condor Petroleum. Hall was on a vacation with his wife, two daughters and a family friend to Southeast Alaska. After visiting Juneau, Ellis was piloting his de Havilland DH 104 Dove, a large twin engine plane. The plane would disappear after leaving Annette Island on August 17, 1953 leading to a month long search, before the wreckage was found by Ketchikan pilot Herman Ludwigsen . Hall had landed his plane at Annette because the weather was beginning to deteriorate but wa...
Read more